I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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