its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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