mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
