she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
