Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
