Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
