Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He's a Shit stain on my heart
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
