wakey wakey hands off snakey
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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