I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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