When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i think i scared a bird with my dick
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
