Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
