like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
