I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
