Your mouth is God's brothel.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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