Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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