whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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