quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
