She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
