i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize