just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
