I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize