Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
