I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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