I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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