Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize