Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
