the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
