when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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