she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
