so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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