then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize