I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
