I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
