Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
