So drunk its hurt
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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