please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
