I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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