i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
