the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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