I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
