My sheets look like a crime scene.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
