mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize