Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
