return my video game
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
