How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
