Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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