I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
and she was petting her beer can
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
