dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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