i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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