I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
