I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
