her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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