i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
