Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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