i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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