I'm so fucking centered right now
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
