It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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