Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 ðŸžðŸ·
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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