remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
