pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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