Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
