There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
