i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
