remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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