Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
he high fived his dick after we had sex
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
